Shakespeare said:

Shakespeare said:


I am always happy. Do you know why? Because I don't expect nothing from anyone. Expectations always hurt.
Life is short. So love your life. Be happy and keep on smile. Live only for yourself. And;
Listen before you speak,
Think before write,
Earn before spend,
Forgive before pray,
Feel before hurt,
Love before hate,
Struggle before give up,
Live before die,


This is life, feel it, live it and like it.

to love is like taking drugs.

Love, is like taking drugs
When ou just start you feel good, you all give yourself.
Then the next day, you want more,
You were not posioned that times, you just like emotion and you feel like you can rule it.
You think your lover 2 minutes, then forget for 3 hours.
... But You get used day by day of her being, then you are an addict.
So, you think for 3 hours and forget 2 minutes.
If she is not near, you feel like an addict like a freak, you feel the same like them.
Addicts begin to be a thief when they can't get the drugs, they abuse theirselves.


Then You are ready for make everything for your love,
like an addict
like a freak.

Discipline

When I was a little child, my father was a hard man. He is still hard but I also. When everybody is fucking bad, i can't say for now that my father is a hard man, I have only my father and mother. My mother is an angel. My father loves me.

When I was a little child; my father force me to know how to take abdest. Every muslim guy have to know how to make it. Of course! He was right, I have to know it. But Unluckily, I always forgot it at that times. It's just couple of place to wash in your body. I was afraid to couldn't make it. I didn't know why he was angry when he was telling me.

One day, I woke up, I was knowing that we'll go to mosque to pray. So I was needed to take abdest. In the morning, I called my grandmother, and she told me the way again. I wrote it to paper. Then me and my father took it together. But that day, he was not angry and I did it correct. Then after He never say something when I am making it. Never check me.

I call it discipline. And I like it. I need that anger now. But unfortunately, I grew up and my father is not with me now.

bailamoooooooos! - shall we dance?

Dear Diary,

I've to start with ordinarily usage of primitive paper-base diaries. In the fashion of those diaries are, you write your daily, weekly, sometimes monthly deliriums on your little stupid notebook. You will read them subsequently and reach the orgasm like "Ooooooo my young tiiiiiimes" But If you are not fifteen years old girl who doesn't has the life without boys and kissing, it would be different and more concrete. It supposed to be...

As I look at my age; I am young; ok I accept it but I have to do worthy things in couple of years. So that's why i have to be organized and ambitious not least.

I am writing this entry to have them in the database to remember and refresh my ambition.

After I finished my Erasmus, I turned back from some purposes which has connection with  Europe and my carrier what I want to setup on the language: English. While I am turning back from Brno, Czech Republic, I had tried my all chance to stay there for more longer. However, I was knowing that it's impossible to make it more. I just have tried my chance... Afterwards, I thought, I created a structure. I've to make internship in Europe next summer. To achieve it, I have to pass Erasmus-Internship exam in my university or I've to try some other programmes. Like AIESEC. Or I've to find it myself which is more harder and close to impossibility. And then as my third year is finishing; I've to attend for a master programme in Prague. To achieve this another purpose; I've to pass the exam which calls TOEFL. It's hard and you must study on it hard. But It has priority on my plans and I will work on it more than anything.

After all the targets about education. I've to go to Brno next month to overcome something.
To go there, I have to cope with the problem about my Erasmus lessons on my university.
To know my first exam dates.
To find 200 EUR
To have a visa from Austria and spend my 12 hours on the roads. Again and again...

This week's song. :)
Adeus.


Enrique Iglesias - Bailamos
Yükleyen Enrique-Iglesias. - DiÄ�er müzik videolarına göz atın.

Radiohead - All I Need

Birthday.

Traffic jam of this city is going to kill me from heart attack soon! I hate! I don't know how all this people buy a car. There must be some limit on it! Or after some years we can't even walk in the streets because there will be no passenger way. Government will change them for new highways and roads i guess. Finally i reach home from the chaos. The car parking is pretty easy than driving. We have our place for it and luckily not like yesterday none of somebodies visitors put their fucking car on my place!

I got in home. There is nobody. It's weird. Like always happen Sabina should be come back from the job before me. And little Sabina has to be in home, the school has already finished. I shouted their name while i was taking off my shoes and make a basket to the bowl with my keys. I was never miss it but this time i miss and before i put my handbag on the ground, i realize one card in the bowl which i can't successfull on it to put my key. It was weird. If I make my shoot successfully, probably i will not look at it. I read the card. It was written "гостиная"

I went to living room. Our house was not empty as i see. My two precious were there. My daughter was shouting international Happy Birthday song with her mother. And there was a little pie which contains my also little photo and under was written "41"

I was shocked. I forgot my own birthday and i began to think that my family left me for a second. But they were there, prepared and I was 41.

I kiss both. My dear Sabina. She always complain i always forget the things but luckily i have her; never forget about me.

Then we went to restaurant to celebrate more after eating the pie.
And we are going to order for our daughter: "milk".
Because she has to sleep deep tonight.
Because I will give 41 years old kiss to my Sabina...

Review; from my close past… Before & While & After: Isparta

She said; “but it was so beatiful his throat from outside that’s why i took the photo!”. While all class was looking behind the classroom by smile. That day; in the morning, i was decided to bring my camera to the classroom to take photos with people who were we spent almost one year together. We made photos, gave promises to see each other again, say the words; we will keep going on our “hilarious” friendship.


For sure; we will not see each other again even in the streets for just say hello…


After; that situation happened. All year i was curious that why i catch her eyes during the lesson while she was looking at me. Naive Özgür; always think; she is just looking at him. We smile together, studying together, talking about “Gegen Die Wand”, i had really good time while i was making German-Turkish accent on acting the man who is main in the movie. She was liked it. When everything is coming to an end. I know, realize, think that; yes she liked me…

I did not feel good on the way to home. Couple of photos, memories, the year is which passed like hole and i was not ready for the exam at all. We were always joking with the friends like: Hey dude! When you will study for ÖSS? And my answer was always like; “like everytime The day before it”. And unfortunately; Mr. Özgür Yavuz; be a unique again and study most on the last day:


“The day before an exam.”



I got the exam, it was not bad, as i told to my parents. But it was bad. I was knowing that i got almost same point like last year. All year, wake up, wash your face, wear up yourself, make your hair, go to bus stop, take the busy bus, get in the class, listen, write, solve the problems, make tests and come again to the home. It was not good. I should pass it. But I was not. I was not successful. Then my point become an exact. Disappointed for sure. Just four thousand people difference from last year. I try to choose my universities which i want to study next four years. My friend Umur was with us at that day. And we made it together. I choose myself and discuss with my parents and Umur. And he said, “why don’t you put Süleyman Demirel University. It’s your father’s town and it seems suitable to your point.” He exactly say this in Turkish. I was “never” thinking about SDU. And i just put, just put, just write it somewhere down.

At the end of August, Umur was right.

-While-

I searched the dormitories. My father was in Isparta. He signed me up. My dormitory get an exact. We went with my father’s friend. Their son was also will study in Isparta. I went inside the building after some time of waiting gardens of university. They gave my card which they put mine stupid high school photo. Some universities want new photo from students. But SDU choosed the easy way, just download from the database of students and put it. I have really bad photo there.


Then we turn back to İzmir, btw; i liked my dormitory.



My mother takes care of me so much at that times. She always takes care but she was so excited. Maybe more than me about SDU. She prepares my everything which i was needed for Isparta. She even put some detergant even i can buy from Isparta as well. I put myself on roads. I was knowing, i am going to make this trips between İzmir-Isparta so much time next four years, i didn’t know on my first trip that i am going to make it only for one year…

The lessons begun. Although, i didn’t like so much my university and city, I was caring about my lessons. I almost didn’t miss any of them. I was taking notes, join the lessons as much as i can. Once, i read about four, five page and made presentation on really famous teacher’s lesson by preparing for just in one lesson. It was perfect experience for me; i realize that; to achieve good things: I must try myself hard. I thought that time, i want to be like this everytime. It’s another story by the way, thanks to Aqshin…

I was always checking my university website. It was written erasmus exam is in one month. Who wants to get participate, sign up. I signed up but just for try. As every Turkish student. I was also wanting to make it on my third year. Because third year in any university in my country; is the hardest, i don’t know why… We just decide with some of my friends from my dormitory. We just say “let’s joooooin!” I remember, i hardly wake up on exam morning. I ate in dormitory dinner saloon. I push myself to university. After I go out from the exam. I was knowing that, it was done…

They put marks on website and i was choosen. They was needed the transcript. I gave them. And they again published. I was again chosen. Maybe that’s why, the time in Isparta after my erasmus get an exact, passed like a wind. I begin to research universities. I choose Warsaw first. Poland, capital. Stupid Turkish forums; it was written “don’t choose Poland, Poland is Catholic, you can’t have fuck there!

I realize it in Krakow: yes they’re Catholic, and you can have fuck there if you want; Polish girls seems can give easily theirselves.

I was crazy about Poland, for sure i didn’t change my decision because of Turkish girl style Polish girls as it’s written in all forums. I was curious about culture, architecture which was rebuilt after WWII. Even their all cities are rebuil,. I don’t give up. Make my documents for Warsaw and give it.

I have friend who name is Mert. Untidy man. I remember the day. I made my things and i was going to meet with one of my roommate: Can. As I always make, put my headphones, wear warm. It was crazy cold in Isparta at that times. I saw Mert, he said; he was coming from International Department. He told me that. They also accept him and he will choose Brno. I say, why? Let’s go to Poland. And he say, my department doesn’t has agreement with any university from Poland. I say; we have Brno but i never heard about it and where the fuck comes from Czech Republic? And he said; “Czech Girls”. And I said; fuck Czech girls, what we are going to do there? And he said,” it will nice and nice. Let’s choose the same place.” And I preapre my documents for Brno and sign my decision changed paper.


Join the group, Brno University of Technology from Facebook on April.



My university times were boring. I went to all lessons. Pass by study hard with almost “gooooood” marks. My simple day was; wake up early. Going to the university. Listening, taking notes, come back. Reading a lot. My laptop; before my laptop; always reading. After April, i was always with my laptop. Searching about universities, cars, music systems on cars. Listening music, going to the kebap saloon near our dormitory. Going to the cafe with the friends. It was not so shiny. I was not want to make it shiny. I was not pleased from something which i don’t know. I was like a ghost who is doing his necessary things. And reading. But I drink quite good, i pour one glass of beer from the balcony. It goes to one guys underwears. After he know that i made it. Nothings happened. But i stil haven’t known who told to him. I lost myself one two time because of alcohol. I throw out couple of times. My all friends also. I was so much having excitement from drinking. I was really like it.


Unhappiness was covering me. And i give my part of all money for vodka in shop with friends.

Women; as i understand from the first name Gabrieala sent me an e-mail and also my international department. Guideline for Brno University of Technology students.

It was one of my happiest time after i understand that; my father listen my ideas even i was nine years old. It’s also subject of other story.

-After-

The girl who name is Sema reach me from facebook. She told me that, she saw my message on BuT wall. We were in touch in almost all section of my visa, flight ticket, excitement, Brno discovering and attending. I couldn’t imagine, i will see her for the first time in one corner of Mandarin which is one of the clubs of Brno. After I never think that, we will have a conversation about how she break up with her boyfriend, how he is crazy about her but how she like the lifestyle here. I call it “Freedom Syndrome on Turkish race girls.” It’s hard to live with it. It can break your old relationships. It can make you; forget people who really thinks, cares, loves you. But almost all girls from my beatiful country have it.

I remember; my mother was crying a little bit. Like I am a soldier and going to the war. My father is toft man. I kiss his hands. It’s like good bye for everybody. You can go somewhere and never come;


But I came back with ring on my finger. It’s story of my life.



I met with Mert in İstanbul, airport. He was lack of directions. So much slow. And not excited. I was knowing him, He was also excited, i was knowing it. But it was look like, it’s a duty for him. We got in the plane. Eat Crocodile; cold, ready sandwiches. Hear first time Czech speeches in my life. Be with most amount foreign people in my life. And speak after so much time; English, with the police officer in Prag. They checked us. If you are from Turkey, you can be Muslim freak who wants to destroy beatiful Europe! so that’s why they check us long. Look at our face and again photo. And face, photo. They let us in. Oh! How it’s possible? They’re so good people! They let us in! We took the bus to main train station. We bought tickets for Brno. I can’t tell my feelings. Still feel the smell. I feel totally, totally, totally lost. I was checking my decisions about erasmus. I was confused and afraid. I always by the street mouth. “I don’t give a fuck!” That’s my biggest problem in my life. I never give enough attention on anything. And I fill by succeed twenty years so it means; it’s not so bad stlye. But in Prag main train station, i was giving really big fuck! I call Jarka, she is International Students Club member. It was my second English speeches and i was talking by phone! She said, i am in the club, i have to go outside; wait! And we wait! Then we deal for the time for meeting.

I broke my baggage while we are carrying ourselves to another train. Because our train crashed one drunk Czech boy, i saw yellow blood. Even when you say “blood”, you automatically think red. But it was yellow, maybe it was Czech brain, in front of the train. I stil haven’t known. It was my first open Czech brain.

I was in Brno. It was like a shit actually. The city seems to be shit. We meet with Jarka. Fat girl. But seems pretty. We catch the bus so hardly. There was a lot of people. Jarka told something about parties. She told thats why a lot of people in the bus. We were so much foreign as i remember, as i feel. After we checked-in. We meet with our stupid Lasse. He was from Finland. Talk less, play good. He was geek. So much geek. And Facebook game geek. Normal geeks are coders. He was amateur pilot but he was playing Facebook games. It’s erasmus. And he is our roommate.

We get in the club. It was my third time here. The name is Remix. First two times; we were at the garden, we ate barbecue meat, drinking first beers. Meet with Turkish and some Spanish people. This time there was no barbecue. We directly go to bar. I bought beer and Marlboro. Drink my beer. Smoke one-two cigarette. And my Czech girl or just girl inspector friend Mert was insisting on me like a crazy about dancing. I never dance until that time. I don’t know how to dance. How to move. We went to in front of dj place. There were couple of girls. Mert began to make some moves which i never and will say; dancing. I stay a little bit without making nothing. But i thought, it will seem weird almost middle of dance zone.


I began to dance.

Making stupid moves.

As I see, everybody was making stupid moves.

And girls in front of us, they’re gone. Only one left.

As i start my “perfect” dance. We were infront of each other almost all the time.

She had mouth move like when you say “oooooooo”

I liked this move. She was really enjoying. She seems to me so much real.

She had black hairs, strong hairstyle.

And I make my move, she hold my hand. Respond.

We begin to dance.

She was so fast but i stil haven’t known why i said “you are so slow”

I remember right now her eyes looking a little bit down, stay frozen to understand what i am saying…

I like her eyebrows that time while she was listening to me in first hour. I never tell this to her.

And her upper of arms.

And her fingers while she is writing down my number after we kissed…

And she pushed me to the zone again, she said, “It’s one of my favourite song we have to dance.”

Her name is another story which i don’t want to finish...

one day.

I was in the hotel, see my aunt, my uncle; they were sitting on the tables. And my uncle’s wife complain about that we didn’t let them know; where we put our car. I see my aunt disappointed on me; because i parked the car and didn’t let them know. After i feel that people in the place; complain about car parking price in the hotel and everything. They usually say, it’s so much expensive then i move to Venice; it was so white and i shooted. Then the doctor healed me. But didn’t sew.

Then i wake up, it was so much hot in the room, because it’s in the second floor. And if you sleep in second floor; it means you are closer to the summer sun. I check the time, decide to not wake up, as always happen. I tried hard myself to sleep but it was too much hot. I got up, before i got up, i read message from my dear. I feel better, it means my eyes are stil working, i am not dead and my dear stil cares me to send messages. Because of prices in my country. I couldn’t send messages to her. I wait for night comes and i will go to cafe to speak with her or trying to speak. I am starting to believe that her Skype or computer only against me. Of course it’s my stupid thoughts. Anyway, i took a shower, after two days without shower and sea, i was dried in the morning. I was needed to open my holes. I go to breakfast. My mother as it always happen; gets up early, prepare the breakfast with all spices. I don’t want to eat for sure. I need some time for getting hungry after i woke up. I try to eat somehow. It was twice better than my times in İzmir, alone in the home. It’s really hard to take care yourself alone, if you dont have a reason to wake up. I realized one thing at that time and also i remember now, to live better, you must have better reasons. Or just a reason.

Holding part is plastic?

And after the breakfast. As it always happen, my day starts for filled. And if you want to fill something like a olympic swimming pool with one liter bottle. You need 17 hours.

My cousin get bored and want to turn back to his home. Actually, he doesn’t get bored but he get used so much on his computer and his lifestyle in İzmir and you can’t keep 17 years old boy in the place which he doesn’t know so much and new there. We need to make shopping also. If you need to send your cousin to İzmir and make a shopping, you must go to the center. We took the car; we went to the center and i changed the headset which i realize after i reach home, they’re not for computer. That’s why tomorrow, i need to go the center again. It means; new stories coming.

Then, we bought his ticket, everything was fine but after i try to find parking lot. But “as it always happen” my mother offered me some ideas. “Put there, no put there, why don’t you put there.” I am a fucking aggressive man, to everybody, except my baby, i also make her cry sometimes but i try to concentrate on good things when i am getting angry. Regret is not a solution after things getting worse…

One of my passengers, no, all of them doesn’t lock the door. As unnecessary informations lovers in the world, knows that the automotiv industry doesn’t put the general lock system to the cars which produced before 1997. If you have a car which was produced before 1997 and if you don’t put it yourself. Your car needs to be locked by people, by hand. I think my all passengers knows it. And again none of them lock the doors. I locked the door myself, and close. 

Window is broken.

Brussels is the best!

I put sun protector plastic to window to make it imitatly close. I will make it repair. He is ill now. I will make it heal. 

After three hours, my baby respond my sms which i sent so much time ago, and she said, she is with people. As I ask, she thinks, it’s not good to write messages whenn you are with people. The problem is, we are always with people. I think, we can give each other ten min. People can understand it. I afraid that, she has so much perfect time, to not send message to me, the thing i afraid is; she thinks that to send a message after a long time is doesn’t bother me. If I have a chance to send her messages, the conversations in the placce are not important for me. How can it be so good that, i dont want to get in touch with my baby? But it’s for me.

Then i go to sleep, like a nap. I sleep gooooood. At least here, i eat good and rest better. I had dinner, listen music, watching some serial. I want to buy newspaper to read writers tomorrow and go to the beach early to have suntan. I will go to İzmir to have an exam for work in İzmir International Fair. I think, i will pass. I must pass. I usually say myself. “Come oooooon!” And get angry to pass it! Anger keeps me awake on this kind of things. If I have exam in beatiful conditions, generally i failed. And the day after tomorrow, with my friend, we will turn back to Dikili. 

Until the interview. if I can’t be successful, until 25th of August. I am in my summer place.
I will be in the mood for Baku on September when i feel fall in my body.
By the slippery way, have i ever tell why i will go to Baku?

One way or another, I'm gonna find ya'

Blondie - One way or Another